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But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” (Luke 18:16, ESV)


If you could do it all over again, what would you do different?


A friend asked this question concerning my education. I told him that instead of majoring in accounting, if I had it to do over again, I’d major in theology, and then I’d major in psychology. In ministry you need to know God and to know a lot about God, but you also need to be a student of the human condition. Know all you can about God and learn all you can about people.


John Calvin wrote in the first line of his The Institutes of the Christian Religion, "Nearly all the wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves."


As people of faith, we have spent a lot of time learning about God, but not so much discovering what makes people tick. We observe, but do we really learn about us and our fellow humans in a systematic way? With this thought in mind, I’m going to tell a true story and an interesting discovery about how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. I'm also going to share how you can become more effective in helping people by understanding how adverse experiences may affect human flourishing.

In 1985, the chief of Kaiser Permanente’s (KP) Department of Preventive Medicine in San Diego, CA, couldn’t figure out why more than half of the people in his obesity clinic were dropping out. To be more accurate, it was 50% dropping out each year for five years straight.


If you’re like me, you’ve done a few diets and bailed out on many of them. Who hasn’t? But this was different. This was a program for people 300 Lbs. or more overweight. And get this, the people were succeeding when they dropped out. They were on a roll (pun not intended) losing more than 100 Lbs. each when they quit.


The search for the mystery behind the dropouts got very involved. It took on a span of 25 years and 17,000 participants, involving researchers from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and KP. The researchers found some commonalities with the dropouts: All of them had been born at normal weight. None of them gained the weight slowly over several years. The weight gain was abrupt and then stopped and stayed. If weight was lost, it was regained again over a very short time.


The doctor, being at a loss on the data decided to do face to face interviews. Nothing came from this either…until.


The breakthrough occurred because of a mistake in how the doctor asked a particular question. Remember, the doctor started doing personal interviews. With one patient, instead of asking, “How old were you when you were first sexually active?” he mistakenly asked, “How much did you weigh when you were first sexually active?” The woman he was interviewing answered, “forty pounds”, then she burst into tears. Then she added, “I was four years old with my father.”


The doctor didn’t know what to do with that. Then, about ten days later, he ran into the same thing. In modifying the questions, he realized that every other person was providing information about childhood sexual abuse. He was dumbfounded, thinking that this can’t be true. So, he asked other colleagues to do the interviews on the next 100 patients to see if they did or did not find the same things. They did! Most of the 286 people interviewed had been sexually abused as children.

You’ve read this far. Hang in here just a little longer. Now you are going to see the connection with abuse and food. The doctor discovered that these people, who were hundreds of pounds overweight, did not see their weight as a problem, but as a solution. Eating was a fix. It was salving a past trauma and providing a security to avoid further abuse. Eating soothed their anxiety, fear, anger and often, depression. It was like a drug. Not eating increased all these negative emotions. Being hundreds of pounds overweight also made them less susceptible to abuse. It made them invisible. Often, people who have been abused and sexually abused want to disappear. They want to hide. Overweight people in our society are ignored, or at least discounted.


Here comes the big mind shift: The problem, as the doctor saw it, was food. They were eating too much. From his research and interviews he came to believe that the problem was not food. Food had become a biochemical coping method (like alcohol, drugs, violence, sex, work, etc.) to escape the intense anxiety, fear, anger, and depression.


Previously medical professionals, counselors and social workers had thought that addiction was the problem, and certainly addiction is a problem, but it’s not the real problem. Many now have come to believe that for many, turning to drugs, and other harmful behaviors is an expected response to serious childhood trauma. The trauma may be sexual abuse but could involve other things as well. It could be the loss of a parent or sibling. It could be witnessing abuse in the home. It could even be food insecurity.


In many cases, what young people and even older people turn to ease their trauma is harmful. It creates a whole other set of problems on top of the trauma and even adding to it.


Going down this path, the CDC and Kaiser Permanente ended up interviewing almost 18,000 participants to learn about childhood trauma. They discovered 10 types of adverse childhood experiences or ACEs. The 10 types are divided into three categories: Abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction.


A scoring system was developed to identify a person’s ACEs score. One point is given for each of the 10 types. If a person had none of the events listed as ACEs in their background, their score would be zero. If they lived under a verbally abusive parent only, then their score would be one.

What the research found was that the more ACEs a child has, the higher the risk of developing chronic illnesses such as heart disease, COPD, depression, and cancer. Also, people with high (4 or more) ACEs scores are more likely to be violent, have multiple marriages, and suffer depression. In other words, these adverse childhood experiences are strong, long, and cumulative. What happened to you at four years old can send you to the hospital at 50.


If you’ve read this far, then you’re getting the idea that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It would seem the case here. But there is more, oh so much more.


We are in a mental health epidemic. I wish it were not so, but we are. I believe Jesus is the answer to a person in trauma, but the trauma is its own kind of prison which makes it hard for God’s people to know how to help. We need understanding. We need instruction.

This is why the Connect Now one hour overview of Adverse Childhood Experiences vs Resilience is so important. This free online seminar will help ministers, teachers, children’s workers, and volunteers understand how mental health issues affect children’s education and life development. Krista Gonce is the presenter. To learn more about the seminar, Krista and how to sign up for this online seminar click the button below.


 
 
 

A few years ago I made a career transition from being a pastor to being a regional church planting director. I moved from direct ministry to members of a church and community to assessing, training, coaching and resourcing pastors who were starting new congregations. Big change. I didn’t know how big a change it was. I was in the realm of unconscious incompetence.


In psychology, there is a name for what I was going through. It’s called the “Four Stages of Competence.” I entered at the first stage: unconscious incompetence. Basically, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. This is often the bliss of ignorance. For a seasoned pastor, I could assume that I had the tools and knowledge to do the job and get going. But that was not the case. In fact, the more self-assured a person is, the harder it will be for them in this first stage. It is hard because they think they know what they need, but in reality, they don’t know what they need and they don’t even know that they need something.

This utter ignorance must be overcome by having a teachable and coachable spirit. I could only get past this first stage with some humility and someone else's help. That someone else needed to be competent in the area I’m not. If you have a “life-question” then ask someone who has lived a great life and done well. If it is a career question, then find a successful person in the career in question and ask them. You get it.


So, when you recognize your unconscious incompetence, the first question that you ask yourself is, “Who do I know or who do I know who may know someone who has done well at (fill in the blank)? " Name them and then find them.


Before you meet with that person, you need to answer this question: What am I most afraid of? The question goes to your fear. Fear has a way of hiding behind a lot of other stuff in our lives. It can sabotage just about anything unless it is confronted.

To be receptive and honest with them, you need to honestly answer that question and bring that answer with you to the meeting and let it help to shape your time in learning from them.


The next question is for them. It is a very open ended question and it may need a few follow-up questions, but to get it started, ask, “What is it that you have found out that most people don’t know about (fill in the blank), that they need to know?” This will get you moving past unconscious incompetence.


Second in the stages of competence is conscious incompetence. In this stage you know what you don’t know. It is often a shocking and even paralyzing state to be. But I want you to know something; the only thing you’re doing right now is gathering information. You are forming a perspective, not yet solving a problem. This part is the overwhelming part.


Once you’ve done your information processing; ask yourself this next question: "Where do I need to focus?" Learning begins here. You target a few things that are crucial to moving through your conscience incompetence. The question to ask is this: "What is one thing I could do that would move me further along than anything else?" It is a strategic question. For me, in starting new churches it was finding the right church planter. Period.


There were a lot of other things that needed attention, but I came to realize that without a good church planting candidate it did not matter how great the funding was or training or support. The right candidate was it. So that is where I focused. It was a good choice and it remained the overall focus.


The third stage is conscious competence. This is where you not only have knowledge about what you need to do, but you can do it. It probably won’t be done perfectly but you’re moving forward. It takes a lot of mental and physical focus to do it well, but over time and with practice it is getting more natural. Two questions to ask in this stage are, first: "How can I improve what I am doing?" And the second question is: "What do I need to keep me going?" The first is a training question and the second is a stamina question. They are questions of refinement and sustainability: Am I improving and is this sustainable?


The last stage is unconscious competence. Through practice, trial and error, training and maybe even blood, sweat and tears you come to the place where you can do what others would say is improbable. Professional athletes do every day. They do it because they learned what they didn’t know and now know that they needed to know. They do it because they got help. They do it because they trained, over and over again. Studies have shown that to become an expert at something you need to do it 10,000 times. But don’t do it 10,000 times the same way. It is 10,000 times with growth and improvement and training and stamina to keep going.


At this stage, you have become a master. But it will die with you unless you pass it along. Be on the lookout for someone you can help. Ask: "Who else may benefit from what I’m learning?" Let someone else in on what you’ve gone through. It will help solidify your experience and help them through theirs. Perhaps you will cross paths with someone who just doesn’t know what to do.


To wrap this up. Here are the questions in order to ask and answer when you don’t know what to do.


  1. What am I most afraid of? (What do I not want anyone to ask?)

  2. Who do I know that has done well at (fill in the blank) that I can interview?

  3. What is it that most have failed to know that they need to know? (to ask the interviewee)

  4. How can I improve what I am doing now?

  5. What do I need to keep me going?

  6. Who else may benefit from what I’m learning?

 
 
 

No temptation has come upon you except what is common to humanity. But God is faithful; he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13, CSB)


Just over a year ago I served as transitional pastor at a troubled church. They lost their senior pastor during the Covid-19 pandemic. He just quit. He quit pastoring. When I met him, his exact words were, “I just can’t do this anymore. Jimmy, I hope you can help them because I can’t.” He was exhausted, discouraged and disillusioned certainly because of all the adversity that pastoring normally brings, but what really got him was trying to minister in a pandemic.


Recently, another pastor I know left his church for the same reason. Just this week a friend, who is a pastor at a church, resigned. He is leaving full-time ministry to pursue other employment. All three of these individuals feel like they don’t have anything left to give.


Perhaps you’ve felt this way. Maybe you aren’t in ministry but you’re ready to quit your job, a relationship, or some other commitment. Sometimes quitting is the right thing. The only way you can save yourself and your sanity is to leave. But before you do, take a moment and work through these six things when tempted to give up.


1. Assess your resiliency


At the core, we are tempted to give up when we believe we can’t go on or won’t recover. A definition of resiliency is the ability to recover or bounce back from stress, whether it is in body, soul, or spirit.


If you are tempted to giving up, then it would be to your advantage to first assess your own level of resiliency. Perhaps there is something you need that’s been missing. Often even a small change that makes a huge difference. For example, your resilience can be eroded by everyday adversities over time. It doesn’t have to be one or two big events. The erosion can be like a constant dripping of water on a rock. Given enough time and conditions being unchanged, the water will wear through the rock.


Resilience is also one of the five parts of emotional intelligence (EQ). It is used almost interchangeably with motivation. Motivation is having the right thought process, putting the emotion into play, which enables us to bounce back from adversity and keep going. Notice the focus is on the “right thought process”, which triggers the energy of emotion that gets us going.


One of the most important truths to realize in thinking about resilience is understanding that our emotions and behaviors are triggered not by events themselves but by how we interpret those events. Therefore, one person has adversity, and they give up. Another person has the same adversity, and they work through it and come out stronger.


Along with that realization, there is another truth that is foundational. This foundational truth should be obvious but for many it requires self-discovery. The truth is this: You need to know the kind of person you are not just who you think you are. Who we think we are determines our interpretation of events and therefore, how it will impact us for good or for bad.


There are resilience assessments that you can take to self-determine your level of resiliency. There are also assessments and tools that will help you to become more aware of your own strengths and areas that need growth. In my experience, the Enneagram is the best tool around to help a person identify and then understand their own thinking, feeling and acting patterns. These include vulnerabilities, fixations, vices, triggers, defense mechanisms and even blind spots. One client said to me after the second of two coaching sessions, that it was better than a year of counseling!


If you want to take a quick resiliency assessment, here is one you can download and print for free.

If you want to take a basic free Enneagram assessment, you I recommend this one.

If you are wanting to explore the deeper layers of your personality, you can contact me. I have a coaching package that will give you in in-depth understanding of your personality and a path for relational and spiritual growth tailored to your specific desired outcomes. You can check it out here:


2. Remember why you started in the first place


One of the first things a marriage coach will do when meeting a couple in marital trouble is to have them think back to the beginning of their relationship and ask, “Why did you want to marry this person?” It’s good to dwell on that for a while, a long while. A good marriage coach will have the couple each make separate list naming all the reasons why they got married in the first place: Emotional reasons, physical reasons, relational reasons, security reasons, along with their hopes and dreams. It is amazing how in going back to the beginning, new strength is found.


It's not uncommon for us to lose our way amid the everyday challenges. We become tired and frustrated. The upsetting thing in front of us overshadows the glorious reason we started in the first place. It’s like holding a quarter so close to your eye that it blocks the sun. In proper perspective, that quarter is no comparison to the star holding our solar system together. But somehow when we make it bigger by holding it closer it distorts the true nature of both the quarter and the sun.


3. List the reasons why you want to give up


Just like you may list reasons why you started, you should list reasons why you want to quit. I encourage you to list every reason to quit that you can. After you’ve done this, then go through and eliminate the reasons that are just not good reasons. You will find that many of the reasons don’t match up to your character or values. In other words, some of the reasons to quit just don’t fit you. You are better than that.

Not all reasons are equal. One reason to give up can loom larger and all encompassing. This would be a reason needing more thought. But many reasons are small. However, a lot of small reasons can drain our strength like a slow air leak gradually flattens a tire. A lot of small reasons add up. Perhaps there are things you can do to eliminate some of the small reasons. This will lighten your load and give you greater ability to recharge. At any rate, getting it all on paper helps to identify the pain points and provides the beginnings of forming a new perspective.


4. Get another perspective


One of the best ways to gain a new perspective is to wait 24 hours. After you have done your list work and checked on your resilience, postpone the quitting for a day. Sleep on it. No matter how awful it may look right now, it will look different tomorrow. You will be able to approach it with some separation in time and with rest. Do what you must do to get a good night’s sleep.


Another perspective can come from another person. Show both lists to someone wise. Don’t show it to someone who will automatically agree with you. Think of a person who will be more objective. Show it to someone who is looking out for you, not someone who will just tell you what you want to hear. Listen to them. Don’t argue with them but encourage them to ask questions about the lists and about why you’re thinking of quitting. They may have some great wisdom that you would not have heard if you had not asked.


5. Practice gratitude


Though at first you may not see the connection, being grateful and expressing gratitude will help you immensely in deciding to whether to go or stay. Ask, “What are some of the things I am grateful for here? What would I miss if I quit?” Don’t go easy on yourself, force yourself to think of things you will miss. Imagine if you worked through the issues and came out the other side. What would have changed? How would you have changed? Are there others who are depending on you? What will they do if you quit?


On the other side, what other possibilities might you miss if you stay? In what ways would it be better for you to quit rather than stay? Could this be God closing a door, but where is the open door? Thank God for the opportunity of choice. Express gratitude that no matter what decision is made, God will not leave you.


6. Create a plan and a back-up plan


If you are quitting, you need to have not only an exit plan but a plan after the exit. What are you going to do next if you quit? How is it going to be any different? What can you do to break a possible pattern?


What are you going to do if you decide to not quit? What is your plan to change? How is it going to be different? You need a plan for both options.


There is one more plan you need. What if neither the “quit plan” or the “stay plan” work out? You need a backup plan. It doesn’t have to be fully worked out, but you will have more peace of mind and heart if you have a backup plan in the back of your mind.


Life is full of surprises. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that most of the plans we make don’t end up the way we thought. So, next time you’re tempted to give up, think on these six things.

 
 
 

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